New Challenges of Motherhood

1st November 2011,

It has been more than 6 months since my last update. Been busy with another new transition into my life. Reviewing back, it has been quite a lot of transitions and happenings since I relocated from Penang, which I've totally lost count of it. Time flies, if we don't keep track of the progress, we will just lost in time.

As the title of my blog, yeah.. another new phase with addition of new life - Joel Chin En Yi. Looking back, it has been 4 months being a fulltime mom.. I've given up my job and focus on taking care of Joel. Not easy as I thought it would be, to be totally a 'home-mother'. It was indeed great challenge for me, especially the second month when I took over the task from the confinement lady. I remember waking up at wee hours of the night just to feed Joel, and to put him back to sleep after feeding was not easy. I can still recall his widely open eyes starring at me at 1am until 4am when he finally went back to sleep after much crying. We tried many different methods trying to find the right one to establish Joel's sleeping routine. Last month he finally got familiar to last feed at 11pm and able to sleep through the night till  4-6am for another feed. I thought the nightmare is over until recently he started his weird habit again - waking up every 3 hours for feed, or for comfort??? Aarrgghhh.. I was so so tired. Light sleeper as I am, I need to learn to snap off once Joel asleep... how to sedate myself?

Discourage, broken and 'angry'.. am waving the white flag in surrender. Lord, what have I done? I need to learn to surrender the 'control' to the Lord, allowing Him to take precedence over my life. Surrendering to Him my 'feeling' of inadequacy. My prayer is that I will not lost the joy of motherhood, and that I will able to be thankful of the little things, knowing that each chapter has it's season and it's reason to shape me, and God has already blessed me so much, I should learn to praise Him rather than giving up to 'pity party'.

Many or Few

"Jonathan said to his young armor bearer, ‘Come let's go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.'"

I Samuel 14:6 (NIV)

One woman has meager resources to fund her family's needs. She operates in the few.

One woman has so many opportunities to serve she feels overwhelmed. She wants to do what God wants, but she can't figure out how to handle it all. She operates in the many.

One woman wants to pursue a dream she's been secretly harboring but there never seems to be enough time. She operates in the few.

One woman has lots of extended family members who need her attention and time. She operates in the many.

One woman's husband has all but stopped talking to her. She misses the love they once shared, even took for granted. He has no time for her and hardly ever looks at her. She operates in the few.

One woman has fears that grip her. She worries about her future, her children's health, the economy, her marriage. She operates in the many.

What about you? What's your circumstance? What in your life needs to be saved? You might not be facing a deadly battle like Jonathan and his armor bearer, but one thing I can guarantee, we all need to be saved from something.

Here's the great part: This verse tells us that nothing can hinder the Lord from saving us in all circumstances—whether we are operating in the category of many or few. We can count on Him to move on our behalf.

So many times I look at my lack and throw up my hands. I only see the limits. Jonathan and his armor bearer were just two men. They knew their limits but they didn't let that keep them from trusting the Lord to move on their behalf.

Likewise, I can look at my abundance—of demands, of needs, of people, of financial responsibilities—that I need to attend to and let that overwhelm me. I only see the crushing load.

Jonathan chose not to look at the many men facing them, but to turn his eyes to God. He knew God is not hemmed in by earthly circumstance.

Many or few, it matters not. Our security can not come from our situation. Today as you face life's challenges, look for the few and for the many. Then tell God exactly what Jonathan said: Perhaps You will act on my behalf. I trust what You choose to do. Nothing can hinder You from saving, whether by many or by few.

Dear Lord, I am so grateful that You are not hindered by my circumstances. Help me to look past my lack or my abundance, straight into Your eyes. Help me to realize that You are at work in my many and in my few. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Blessings of God

I was pondering through His creation, how our God first created the heaven and earth, then the light and water, the skies and the grounds, and all kinds of vegetation- seed bearing plants and trees, then the living creatures - animals and livestock, and finally He created man in His likeliness - to rule over the earth, to rule over everything that was created just before him.

If we look at the sequence of the event, God has created all things before man, and for man to enjoy. He has given us all the provision that we need to survive and to be fruitful and multiply. God has richly blessed us with all that He could had given us. How should be our response today?

Are we still murmuring and complaining of the insufficiency? Are we still lacking? Is it not enough?.. How much is enough then? Lord help us to have a thankful heart in our every day encounters. Knowing that You had given us Your best, and even given Your precious Son, Jesus Christ on the cross for our sins. We are indeed thankful.. let us to keep trusting You with that simple faith.

Take Captive Every Thought

Take Captive Every Thought

I generally agree with the cognitive approach to therapy since we are called to repent and be transformed by the renewing of our mind. We are saved and sanctified by faith, therefore we must learn to know and choose to believe the truth. In our western world, however, there are two other critical issues that are often overlooked causing us to stop short of a complete answer and total recovery. The first is to understand the spiritual battle for our minds, and the second is to abide in Christ.

Computer programmers coined the term, “GIGO,” which means garbage in, garbage out. Jesus said, “The good man out of the good treasure in his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart” (Luke 6:45). We have to be very careful what we put into our minds, which is why Paul admonished us to, “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). It doesn’t make any difference whether the thought originated from the television set, the radio, a book, a speaker, from our own memory bank, an original thought of our own, or from the father of lies. We must take “every” thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

If what we are thinking is not true according to God’s word then don’t pay attention to it. Instead, do what the Apostle Paul admonished us to do. “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8). You don’t get rid of negative thoughts by trying not to think them. You overcome them by choosing the truth and keep choosing the truth until the negative thoughts are drowned out or completely replaced by the truth. You let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts by letting the words of Christ richly dwell within you. If you want to experience the freedom that Christ purchased for you and have a peace of mind that passes all understanding, then choose to think only those thoughts that agree with the Word of God.

Every computer owner has been warned about the potential for their computer contracting a “virus.” A virus can cause severe damage to existing programs already loaded in the computer. Computer viruses are often not accidental. They are intentional. They may come from store wrapped software that gets contaminated by disgruntled employees. In addition, some devious people have purposefully created programs that are designed to introduce a killer virus into any system that accesses them. Therefore, most computer systems have programs that scan for viruses and so should we.

It is not always easy to detect a virus in our own belief system, because the major strategy of the enemy is deception. Every Christian is subject to tempting, accusing, and deceiving thoughts. That is why we are to put on the armor of God and more specifically the shield of faith, which deflects Satan’s fiery darts aimed at our minds. The most devious of his schemes is deception, because if you were tempted you would know it, if you were accused you would know it, but if you were deceived you wouldn’t know it. This strategy was used from the very beginning when Eve was deceived and believed a lie. That is why Jesus prays for those who would follow Him, “I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one . . . Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth” (John 17:15-17). Paul writes, “But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:3). Commenting about the later days of the church age, Paul wrote, “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines taught by demons” (1 Timothy 4:1).

We have seen evidence of this all over the world, people struggling with their thoughts, having difficulty concentrating and hearing “voices.” These “voices” or negative thoughts are usually self-condemning, suicidal, delusional, and phobic which result in feelings of guilt, fear, hopelessness, sadness, and despair. These symptoms are what therapists typically associate with depression, anxiety disorders or psychosis. These negative thoughts are patterns of the flesh learned from living in a fallen world or they are fiery darts from Satan, which Scripture has clearly warned us about? A therapist with a secular world view would not even consider such possibilities.

I Am A New Creation

2 Cor 10:5b .... we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The flashback goes on and on... to the time when I was a child, I used to squat at the corner of the staircase and look down to where all the children were playing- happily. Wonder why I will never be seen with the crowds. The aloof, "proud" girl prefer to stay away at the small corner, only to have some glimpse from afar.. why couldn't I step out of my safe-zone and play with them?

The antisocial sentiment of me stay on, till my adulthood. I started to open up a little bit when I received Christ into life, when I was surrounded by brothers and sisters who love me for who I am. Then on, I grew to become 'friendlier' and approachable... why not, everything is familiar, comfortable and well 'in-control'. I am contented and happy with life. But nothing is lasting.. things changed, only God knows why for us to grow. He wants us to grow, not to stay stagnant.. or for us to overcome our weaknesses?

Am feeling "defeated" again.. fighting with all my heart, I finally gave up. I can see Satan waving his full flag of victory. Am biting myself down again.. feeling wounded and defeated - going into the circle of pity party. Oh! I have no more strength in me to stop the voices which choke me to death. I almost drowned.. until I reach up my hand and ask for help. Lord, Help me! I wonder if He can hear me... if He can understand, if only He can feel my pain.

"Do not doubt Me, My child. Come and feel the scars on My Hands. I had love you with My Everlasting Love.. why do you condemn yourself? You are my new creation.. come and start anew with Me."

Transition, Control, Trust

http://www.giantperspectives.com/read/transition_control_trust/

In the past two days I have talked with several people who have mentioned they are in a transition - either because of a job loss, job change, or personal change.

When they asked me about where I was, I tended to say the same thing - “I feel like we are in a transition season,” I said. Then it hit me - we all are, everyday.

Think about it. We are in constant transition as humans. From our kids outgrowing their clothes to the seasonal change in our atmosphere. Our world and ‘worlds’ are constantly changing.

As a person who likes change, I tend not to get too worked up about it… as long as I am in control! Take away my control, or perceived control, and that is when it feels like a “transition” season. Every person that said they were in “transition” had something taken from them and they felt out of control.

So, let me summarize. As long as I am in control I like change and can put up with transitions. As long as I am not in control the transition season feels heavy and hard.

Who is with me?

The issue is really control, and when things feel out of control that’s when it gets scary - unless, someone we trust is in control.

Does that make sense? What if things feel out of control at your work, but you suddenly realized someone you really trust is in control of decisions; don’t you seem to feel better?

Some of you may say, “Yeah, easy for you to say. No one I trust is in control of the changes in my life.”

So now we get to the real issue. Transitions are control issues. Control issues are trust issues. Who then do we really trust?

As leaders we must trust. The worst dominators in the world had the most harmful trust issues. As for me, I have my family, my partners, my friends, and employees I trust. Yet, deep inside me, I have chosen to put my trust in my Maker. When all else fails I know I at least have one source who I trust is in control, and that makes all the difference.

Dance With My Father

This song is specially dedicated to my Daddy... Oh I miss him so so much. Wonder how is my Daddy up there...

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spend me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love to dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night, when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

Chorus:
If I could steal
One final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
I'd hear how my mother cried for him
(2x) I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she' s dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

http://www.cqwxcx.com/music/sample/Luther%20Vandross%20-%20Dance%20With%20My%20Father.mp3

Even a GREAT Husband Makes A Poor God

To all Married Women.

A good piece extracted from :- http://www.marriagemissions.com/even-a-great-husband-makes-a-poor-god/

I got in my car and started down our winding driveway. Tears fell in a steady flow. My chest was tight, my eyes puffy, and every muscle tight with stress. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can’t he just love me the way I am? Why does everything have to be such an issue? What am I doing wrong?

Can you relate? If you’ve been married any time at all, I’m sure you can. At times I’ve gotten consumed trying to figure out how to make my husband love me and how to make everything all right between us that he in some strange way became my God. If we were doing well, I was doing well. If we weren’t doing so well, I wasn’t doing so well either.

Now, understandably, because my husband and I have come together as one, we are close enough that when he hurts, I hurt. But, my spirit should not vacillate between joy and sorrow based on how Art and I are getting along. Instead, my soul should always rest in the safety of Jesus’ unconditional love and acceptance.

Jesus laid this principle out clearly in John 15:5-6, which says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers.”

Jesus is our life-giving vine; our husbands are not. If we remain in Christ and let Christ be the only one who holds our souls and determines our identity, then we can bear much fruit. We know from Galatians 5 that the fruit of God’s Spirit in us is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Can you see why it is so important to get your every deep, spiritual need met by God alone? My husband can’t give this type of consistent love, joy, peace, etc. And I can’t give him love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control apart from Christ. Apart from Christ I can do no good thing, because apart from Christ I wither as I try to make my husband fill me. When I do this I drain my husband and my marriage.

John 15:9 continues, “As the father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” Now, my sweet friend, I know what it is like to walk the rocky paths of a difficult marriage. I understand the loneliness, the desperation, the frustrations. But I also know what it’s like to have a wonderful, fulfilling, romantic, awesome marriage.

My husband is basically the same man today as he was when things were not so good. God has worked on his heart and made some changes in him but nothing I’ve ever done had the power to change him.

The main thing that has transformed my marriage is my letting God be my God. Instead of focusing on all the things my husband didn’t do right or letting his approval or disapproval consume me, I learned to go to God and say, “Lord, I know You love me and You love my husband. So please either change him or change my heart toward him or this issue we are facing.” Sometimes He’ll soften my husband but more times than not God will change me.

I often share at conferences and retreats that God has taught me what it means to live for an audience of one. Instead of trying to be a good wife and win my husband’s approval, trying to be a good mom to win my kids’ approval, and trying to be a good friend to win my friends’ approval, I now simply try to please God. I seek only His favor and follow His precepts. In doing this I am a good wife, a good mom and a good friend.

Faithfully spending time with God every day and asking Him to fill me and give me my identity and security has transformed my marriage. It has freed me to take the focus off of my needs, my wants, and my desires. It is only through God’s strength working in me that I can give to my husband in this way and feel more fulfilled in giving than receiving.

Survey after survey that I received from men had a common thread: husbands said their wives were missing something in their life that the husbands had no idea how to fulfill. “I wish my wife knew that I love her,” or “I want to give her what she needs but I’m not sure even she knows what that is,” or “I wish so much my wife could see my inner feelings —how much I do love her —I just don’t know how to make her see and believe that,” and “I’m doing everything I know how to do to make her feel loved and it doesn’t seem to be enough.”

These husbands want their wives’ hearts to be secure enough to freely receive the love they were already offering. The only way this can happen is when a wife’s heart rests safely in the Lord’s hands and she’s at peace with who her God is. Then and only then can a woman of tender strength emerge with the capacity to be the wife she was created to be.

Am I in the Autumn again?

12th July 2010,

Hey, it has been 3-4 months since my last blog and so many things happened. And guess what - am back!! Am back in Malaysia, not in Penang tho', but residing in a slower pace town called Eat-Poh (Ipoh).. and just within the 3 months, I've gained 3 kgs. 3 kgs in 3 months can you believe it?... Geee... thanks to Ipoh, the sedentary lifestyle: Eat, Sleep, TVs, Work. Everything provided for, less of running around catching a bus, no need to carry medications to patients. Relatively slow, 2-3X or more slower than in Singapore. Feeling myself getting lazy, being couch potatoes after work, stuck at home and just indulge in food.. food.. food. No doubt Ipoh's food rank one of the top quality with creative variety in Malaysia yet the over eating and less workout activities contribute to my laziness and obesity.

The title of my blog speaks my sentiment today - am I in the autumn again? Spring has gone too far.. summer is over and here comes the autumn. Am trying not to be negative and get into murmuring and complaining spirit here, hopefully... It has been 8 months plus of married life, minus the 3 months separation in Singapore, leave to a total of 5 months of married life. The Bible said 2 shall become 1; it is not good for man to be alone, so here He create another helper out of man's flesh. The Bible also mentioned that those who marry will face many troubles in this life (1 Cor 7: 28). So whether married or unmarried, let us learn to be contented and find fulfillment in Him.

1 Cor 7: 34 continues, "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (NIV)

I guess I have been divided, concern with too much on the affairs of the world- the petty matters; trying to please my husband and putting him above all else?... and getting myself uptight and being possessive. I am just too difficult to be pleased? Am I grabbing things too tightly, unwilling to let go? Afraid I will loose something precious? What will happen if it is taken off me? Why would I hold on so hard.. can't I just relax and go with the flow? Am I trying to please others yet get myself bitter with the unresponsiveness? Is love a competition, definitely not but why I just can't stop being possessive?

Am still adapting. I hate changes. Am evaluating myself - am I being selective opening up. How long for me to get myself rooted in the new environment? Do I have an accountability friend here. Where is my focus then, is it just about me me me?... It's a choice to be happy. Find what makes me happy. Where is the songs in my heart? Will I able to sing it out loud without afraid it goes out of tunes? Why I cares so much of what people think and see? Can I just stop being so critical and negative. Find what is praise worthy - whatever is noble, whatever is true, whatever is pure, lovely, admirable - think about such things. Choose what you want to input and output in your life. Where is my focus, how far from Him... Can I get closer, a step closer. A conscious effort to draw closer to Him.. that is the most important task to do.

Taking some life inventory stock take - how is my soul today? Can I get over the autumn soon?

Guidance

1st March 2010,

Got this from my close friend, very encouraging. Read on:

G-U-I-DANCE

When I meditated on the word, "Guidance",
I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.
I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.
The movement doesn't flow with the music,
and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,
both bodies begin to flow with the music.
One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.
It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,
and attentiveness from one person
and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word, "Guidance".
When I saw 'G": I thought of God, followed by "U' and "I".
"God", "U" and "I" Dance.

When God dances with you, He guides your every step.
You glide, you slide, you spin and you feel like you're falling.
Fear not, for His arms are strong enough to hold you.
He will never let you go!

Let God guide you and your life will be a beautiful dance of joy

Jesus Take the Wheel

14th Dec 2009,

It's midnight, am still awake. Trying to put my thoughts in order before the end of the day. Today will be the last night I spend with this house. Going to shift to another street as the landlord moving in tomorrow. Changes, one after another. Am learning to embrace changes as part and parcel of life. Probably 2010 will be more to come, entering a new phase of life - having another person in my life. Am learning to allow God to lead, rather than taking control of things with my own hands. Let Jesus take the wheel...

Jesus, Take the Wheel

--------------------------
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Back to the Basic

8th November 2009,

It's 8pm, am struggling hard to think how do I begin, after such long silence in the blog. Looking back my previous blog, am encouraged to see the "Shirley" that able to express her heart freely. Am evaluating the Shirley now - quiet, emotionless, without any expression. As if she has just been given with high dose injection of anesthetic & getting numb with her feeling. Just can't find the light on her face. **Sigh** What a depressive blog introduction to begin with.

Am home - not home in Penang, but home in Singapore. Blogging from the usual place, the exact location I used to sit - in front of the computer with the fan blowing on my face. Went to JB yesterday, just wanna get away from Singapore. Stayed with Celina, don't want to stay alone. Gavin is back in Ipoh, preparing for wedding matters. Celina is now out with friend & I was too tired to follow. Work has taken a whole lot of me, getting tired so easily. Been 5 months plus in Singapore and am still floating. Am just wondering.. what is God purpose for me here? Or is it me that refused to see the light at end of the tunnel? What am I passionate about in life? I need to find back the passion in me. No, I can't remain the state that I am.. it gonna kill me with such negativism. It's a matter of choice. Again and again it's a matter of choice... but why I just can't overcome it.. feeling so defeated and aimless in life. Wonder what good God has installed for us here.. Singapore? So that we can be together? So that we can learned to walk out of our comfort zone? So that we can stretched our faith? There must be more than this...

What the future holds? What about after our wedding.. But if we were to know everything that is laid down for us, what gonna happen 5 years down the road, if we already know and able to see the future, then why more do we need God, or even to have faith? Where is my trust now? Am I trusting man and the things of the world, the things that is seen, or am I trusting the God who is unseen but faithful to the end. Maybe I just need to hold on to something, am feeling am floating - imagine myself floating in the air and couldn't even grab hold of anything.. at any second am about to fall and break into pieces.

Hey, hold on to Him... back to the basic, the fundamental truth of trusting Him and loving Him with the simple childlike faith. Chien Kuan said, she wished to find back her innocence. Me? I need to go back to that childlike simple trust, trusting Daddy's love and His hands that take hold of me. Even when I am about to fall, I need to believe that He is there.. HERE... in front of me, waiting to embrace me, and say "It's okay, it's okay, you are safe with me". I need the assurance that I am not walking alone, am not venturing into the unknown with my own strength. He is always by my side, maybe sometimes I shut myself from Him, thinking that I don't deserve that love, when I keep failing, I can't be better, He must be disappointed with me...

Oh Daddy am so tired. I really feel like giving up. Am not sure anymore... I've lost the joy. Search me and know me, search me through and through. See if there is any offensive ways in me, lead me to Your everlasting. Teach me not to hold it so tight that I loose sight of You, but help me to let loose, to open up and to allow You to take over... Please Daddy, come and take over.. Take over my heart, my mind, my soul. Take over, I don't know how to drive anymore,.. take over the front seat, let me take the passenger seat.

Lamentations 5:15-22

¹⁵ Joy is gone from our hearts;
our dancing has turned to mourning.

¹⁶ The crown has fallen from our head.
Woe to us, for we have sinned!

¹⁷ Because of this our hearts are faint,
because of these things our eyes grow dim

¹⁸ for Mount Zion, which lies desolate,
with jackals prowling over it.

¹⁹ You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

²⁰ Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

²¹ Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

²² unless you have utterly rejected us

and are angry with us beyond measure.

His Eyes is on the Sparrow

6th August 2009,

It's 11pm, I supposed to study while Gavin is sleeping but after reading few pages of BNF really bored me down, mind can't concentrate, and computer is just in front. So here I am glued to it now.. 2 months in Singapore, am still trying to pace myself in the environment.

** Blog truncated **

I'm Amazed by You

18th July 2009

5.15pm Saturday. Home alone. Mum went out with Celina, visit Trinity Church, myself too tired to go out.. so prefer stay home and rest for the weekend. Gavin is away till Mon.. the home is quiet, and I am sitting at the couch, laptop on my lap, turbofan blowing my sweaty face.

Been one and a month working in Singapore. Turning back the clock of time, I remember how I sweat profusely everytime I walk to work, or walk to MRT. Now my body kind of tune up to the temperature in Singapore. It's now my mum's turn to experience the difficulties of walking around Sg. Mum has been here for a week plus, felt bad didn't really take her out to explore Singapore. Me being unadventurous person, prefer spending time staying home rather than traveling around town. Enough of extensive walking and running around during work time, weekend will usually be time to be still at home, having my own pace and quiet time to rejuvenate and refresh before the next rat race.

The week has been well.. and gets better each day. I remember I prayed to God to send me friend in NUH, someone I can connect, rather than doing things alone and still analyzing the different people with different attitude in workplace. God answered my prayer. After a month here, one morning I just got to know there will be another girl joining us. And there she is, tall girl.. as usual new pharmacist need to be attached with SPT before doing any ward. I was too busy to even talk to her... As the days passed, I have the chance to talk to her and got to know we have many common friends, plus.. attend the same Orientation and church.. guess we develop some bond.

I thank God for Chien Kuan, she has been a good Christian role model to me - I admired her bubbly character and positive attitude, the attributes I don't really have. Even am older than her, it was a shame that she encouraged me more than I do to her.. I must stop complaining or murmuring, but to put on the cheerful side, positive mindset. Gavin said people like to stick to bubbly person. I am not an open person, will take longer for me to connect to people. Chien Kuan is the opposite, she is very friendly.. even she can talk to the aunty clearing the plates in the canteen, and our porter uncle. Wow.. myself a bit passive and shy. First impression, cold girl. Yes No?

Things has been moving fast.. a month plus after residing in Singapore, finally here it comes, the sweet proposal from Gavin, and the unexpected gift of love. July 7th - The whole scene is still fresh and vividly stored in my mind, the sincere heart, the much effort and well planned proposal - definitely I will say Yes, I do! And we will be moving towards marriage.. soon. Greater challenges ahead of us, but the joy is promosing and definitely much to look forward to. 5 months more, before we walk down the aisle... As I reflect back our first meeting, and the struggles we faced, the distanced relationship and now.. the awaited moment, my heart overflow with amazement how God brought us together. The puzzle now slowly fit into a beautiful picture. Wedding is just a moment, maybe 1-2 hours.. but marriage is lifetime, in sickness and in health... till death do us apart. Let Him be our bond, the centre that the two shall become one, in Him.

Give me a break, Lord

20th June 2009,

11.15pm, blogging from Singapore, sitting on the couch, full blast fan blowing on my red rosy face.. thinking how to put my thoughts in words. It has been 3 weeks working in Singapore. And in a new environment; totally reverse and so vast different. Work has been fast pace and I am trying to catch up fast. Chasing after time. Singapore pharmacists work very hard, unlike Malaysia.. Here nurses are pampered, the opposite I think pharmacists are overloaded. However, according to my senior pharmacist, the learning curve is huge and the experience are rewarding.

I really miss home. Don't know why, I can miss home every weekends, miss mum more when I received her sms or even talk to her. Miss my friends in Penang, my hospital and the familiar ground. Here everything new, and I really hate traveling with public transport. 3 weeks has gone yet I still not used to it. Am I making myself more tiring by hating the change? Reflecting back, my heels were bleeding and full of blisters first day of work, walking a lot. 4th day I fell down on the roadside because of the cheap high heel shoe, thus injured my left knee -bleed. Now, guess my skin growing thicker, and slowly trained to get used to the abrasion and force.

All that has happened, each wrapped with every new adventures as the day passed by. As I tried to settle down in my workplace and sort of getting more familiar with the workflow, there suddenly comes a call from my boss assisstant asking me to meet boss during lunch. Thought maybe he wants to see my progress after more than 2 weeks of work, but to my surprise.. he has something more challenging for me. He wants me to take up a new portfolio, to be Inpatient In Charged. Hey, are You kidding me, Lord? I am just so happily out of the Management position, and now less than a month of working in unknown world, this man who don't even know much about me asking me to be In-Charged? You must be joking man... I almost fall off my chair. And this man in front of me was non stop 'preaching' to me about You and that whatever his achievement is all because of You. Oh man... What should be my response?

Searching my heart, I never wanted to be Manager, can I just be a normal submissive worker or co-worker who can just take instruction from superior and perform whichever task allocated for me? Maybe God knows am too easily get contented and complacent and He wants to push me further, to extend my tent, to test my limitation?

Lord, can You please give me a break, not this one Lord.. Can I say No, No, No please No.. But if it's Your Will, and really it's You, then let Your Will be done, and not my will. Lord, if it is really from You, You got to help me pull it through, this not gonna be easy, am dealing with Singaporean and International Standard. You enable me, not because I am able, but You are Lord, You are. The days ahead gonna be really challenging, help me to appreciate the journey and not just focus on the destination.. and I am gonna journey it with Him, You who are in me, is greater than those who is in the world.

Taking Each Day as a Gift from God

29th May 2009,

5.40pm Friday afternoon.  Blogging from my new place in Singapore, my second home. Sitting on the floor with the notebook on my lap and in front of me is the full blast fan blowing towards my face. Am drenched with sweat, it's really really scorning hot here. Wonder why Singapore can be that burning hot than Penang, both are island. Sigh, getting headache and feel like throwing up. Tried to take afternoon nap also can't seem to doze off, guess my brain still processing what to do next, and my body still trying to adjust to the new environment. I prayed for rains... Let His rains come down and wash over the earth, grant us cooling weather.

Today is simple, cook some desert - "White Fungus Barley Pak Koh", good to cool down the body.  Still warm, need to wait for it to cool down before put it in the fridge. Am waiting for Gavin to come back from work. Initially thought of wanting to cook for dinner, but the weather too hot, and I don't have the mood and inspiration to cook, next time la. Took a bus to NUH just now, Bus No.198. According to the streetdirectory website, the estimated journey should be less than 30mins but it took me 35mins to reach NUH. Really not used to the life in Sg, need to walk and take public transport.. and wait for buses. Found a new route to and fro NUH. There're free shuttle to NUH from Dover MRT, and it is quite frequent, every 10mins. So I have another alternative, can walk 10mins to Lakeside MRT, then 11mins to Dover MRT, and another 10mins to NUH, also almost around the same duration as bus. So I should probably estimate 40-45mins travel time to work. 

My feet bleed from walking, maybe cos wearing bad shoes. Am afraid, and still afraid of the changes... The fear is still there, fear of the unknown, fear whether able to cope with the stressful life, fear that my thyroid will get worsen with the stress? Fear whether mum will be alright at home alone, fear whether this relationship will able to work out. All the unnecessary fear.. Perfect love drives out fear... I shouldn't have dwell in the negative, but to fix my eyes on the cross. He who started a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. Just trust Him, and walk each step and each day as a gift from God. To enjoy the little little things in life, the simple pleasures of life. 

Let my heart be steadfast Lord, be steadfast in You, unshakable.. and to always be still, knowing Daddy will lead me through whatever storms of life, whatever it comes...  And it's a journey, and going to be an exciting journey. Let's start anew, afresh... with Him beside me and learn to fall in love with Him once again, deeper in love.. not to be distracted but to keep my relationship with God alive.. just like a little child holding Daddy's hands.. walking the road.

Random Thoughts and Updates

20th May 2009,

3.57pm Wednesday. Am sitting on my couch, with the laptop on my lap while mum is sitting beside me, watching Hokkein show. Reached Penang safely this morning. Didn't oversleep. Has learned from my first experience overslept in the bus until I don't realise it has passed Penang. In the end, the driver just dumped me at some unknown roadside and I need to find my own way to the Jetty, with my half opened eyes and baggages.. imagine that. One of the unforgettable experience. So am a little smarter now, make a habit to set my alarm each time I travel by bus, to & fro Penang, don't want to end up in alien places. See.. Shirley such a piglet, can sleep so soundly in the bus. That shows how tired I am..

Yes, am so tired. Singapore life is never any bed of roses. The biggest challenge for me is to take public transport. Unlike Penang, I can just start my car engine and drive to anywhere & everywhere I like, whereas in Singapore if you want to go from one place to another, first you need to open up your SMART map, or StreetDirectory and check thoroughly which are the nearest MRT or buses, unless you have GPRS.. just like what Victor has. Car considers as one of the luxury in Sg and for those who has none, we depends a lot on Bus 11 (our two legs) and a pair of GOOD shoe - walk and walk and walk, and for me - sweat and sweat and sweat. According to Gavin, you don't need to go any gym to loose weight, the everyday walking will somehow burn the daily calories or fats in you. Huh! So I got to measure my weight before and say 3 months after Sg stay to see how true is that? Celina seems to worry much about me, knowing me as comfy gal & hommy and just so settled in Penang, life in Singapore definitely will be great challenges for me. Don't know how long it takes for me to cope with the life. It's still too early to gauge whether Singapore is the ideal pace to settle down, raise a family etc. Still prefer Penang... But at least 2 years, minimal 2 years to test the ground and see where God lead from here.

So you may asked, then Why? Why you move then? Guess God work in His own ways. Sometimes He just want us to experience some pinch of life to get us learn ONE lesson. And I know I've been complacent, too comfortable and ignorant about things in Penang. Being a mediocre, Singapore will offer a change of my perspective on things in life?? I don't know, whether it is the RIGHT move, but I know that God is into this.. and I am not walking alone, and it is not solely because of Gavin,.. yes he is a big part of the move, but there are other areas which all combined together moved me into such decision, and it is definitely not a haste one. So now that I've decided, am gonna just close my eyes, hold His hands and walk.. whichever turning He leads I will follow, knowing I will not go wrong if I follow the great Shepherd.

This transition somehow opened my eyes to the people I hold dear in my life. Celina mentioned the other day that I am so blessed in Penang because of so many close friends I have, whether church or non-church friends. She said if I am in troubles, I can just picked up the phone, any frens will definitely avail themself to come to assist. Celina is the opposite way, don't have much friends in common here in JB and she's all left alone. Even with the traumatic robbery experience, she was all alone to cope. And that trained her to be strong, and independant and God is her only source of dependant. I am encouraged by her expereinces and I need to learn to be thankful and NOT complain, grumble or murmurs of my 'small' difficulties. Celina has been strong, and I thank God for such a wonderful sister, that always speaking out the truth in love, speaking words of wisdom into my life. I am ashamed, being the elder sister.. I should 'jaga' her more than she 'jaga' me.

I thank God for mum.. yep, eventhough sometimes I can't stand her naggings and there were little arguements here and there, but I am so touched by her love for me. How she prepared me breakfasts and all the meals readily served on the table, how can I take her love for granted? Simple and loving mum.. love to watch TV and play Suduko, and just stay at home, doing the simple things.. she is just so lovable. When I sicked or down, she offered her arms to hug me. I will miss the moment, to quietly kiss her and hug her before sleep.

I thank God for Becky, she is just so available, eventhough she can always say NO to me, but she always want to be there for me whenever I need her, a friend and sister I can count on, and I wish her happiness.. that she will find.. or someday someone WILL FIND HER, someone she loves and someone who loves her so much.

I thank God for Gavin.. the love of my life. He makes me THINK, he makes my mind to open up to more new things in life. He leads us to pray together everynight before we sleep. He inspired me on the 'Meaning and Purpose in Life". I will always love him, and all of him.. Let our jagged imperfection to fit in well, to complement, and to bring out the best in each other.

I thank God for my CG, they are special bunch of people who accept me the way I am. I thank God for my Pharmacy staff, who able to tolerate my style, my boss- who has been so supportive throughout my years working in Gleneagles, who has now been my FB friend =).

I am so blessed by the many things evolved in my life, and am going to treasure the moments as I journey through the different seasons and phases. THANK YOU, everyone of you!

Thunderstorm Thoughts

April 21, 2009
Thunderstorm Thoughts
READ: Matthew 8:23-27
The God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:9

12.30am, Ya right am still awake! Has been staying up late most of the days. Still alert now, maybe bcos I drink too much of tea? And it's raining outside, stormy weather huh?... Was very enlighten as I read today's ODB. Am so encouraged, as it's a timely Word He has for us with the current economic turmoils and work pressures, it's so easy for us to loose sight and loose trust of His Omnipotence. Thanks to our wandering mind.. which trying to be in-control. We are just to afraid to loose grip & control of the circumstances and things around us. We are just being insecure, magnifying our problems and drowning into it. Oh man of little Faith, why can't we just stop worrying and jut hold to the anchor- firm, secure, strong and unshakable.. May He be the peace that guard our heart and mind STEADFAST in Him.. READ ON & Be Encouraged!

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

I’ve heard thunderstorms in my head, and maybe you have too. It happens when a tragedy occurs—to us, to someone close to us, or to someone we hear about in the news. Our minds become a tempest of “what if” questions. We focus on all the possible bad outcomes. Our fear, worry, and trust in God fluctuate as we wait, we pray, we grieve, and we wonder what the Lord will do. It’s natural for us to be fearful in a storm (literal or figurative). The disciples had Jesus right there in the boat with them, yet they were afraid (Matt. 8:23-27). He used the calming of the storm as a lesson to show them who He was—a powerful God who also cares for them.

We wish that Jesus would always calm the storms of our life as He calmed the storm for the disciples that day. But we can find moments of peace when we’re anchored to the truth that He’s in the boat with us and He cares. — Anne Cetas

Fierce drives the storm, but wind and waves

Within His hand are held,

And trusting His omnipotence

My fears are sweetly quelled. —Brown

To realize the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the stress of the storm.

No turning back, No turning back

16th April 2009,

11.40pm, Thursday night. Am sitting in the living room, have the sudden urge to scrabble something on my blog before I go to sleep. Was thinking what should be the title of my blog today? Been 3 months since my last blog, and as I read it through and through, wow.. can't believe there are so many changes & decisions that have been finalised. So I gonna put it as: "No Turning Back, No Turning Back". I remember we usually sing this song during baptism service; my baptism in FGC and also EPCC baptism.. we will sing this song after someone immersed in and out of the pool or beach. " I have decided, to follow Jesus (3x). No turning back, no turning back".

Same sentiment here, I have decided to venture with Jesus, into the land full of lions, a place of adventures, something unknown, everthing new... Regardless, I will not look back, but only to look forward. I thank God for His guidance in bringing me to such decision. I truly believe that this decision is never my own, because I know that from the start I've put it down His feet.. His Will be done, His Will be done. I praise Him and thank Him, as I reflected back how far He has lead me. Things were just arranged in such timely manner and in His time, Yes i His Time... He made everything beautiful in His time. I refuse to fred or be anxious, for I know He holds me close to His heart, and He will never ever leave me alone ithis race that I run. I have a dream, for the road that I am about to venture.. It may be a long.. Yea, the road may be long and unending, probably winding and full of challenges, yet my heart trusted in Him, I shall have no fear.

My last day in Gleneagles is 16th May, but may plan to leave 3 days earlier which means 13th May. Have not prepare anything. I have a whole long list of what required to do before leaving Pg, and I have only a month to go.. Got to start going, start to entangle one by one. I gonna miss a lot of things... esp. Mum. I still have such burden. Each time people talk about me leaving Penang, the first question they will popped out: How about your mum? And I overheard mum talking to Aunty just a while ago, I can sense her 'loneliness' if I leave. Say I selfish or whatsoever, I really wish Celina able to make it back to Penang. I really wish she can get the Danone job. But I know she is not so keen, maybe she feels it's not the right time.. I don't know. God know the best for us, I can't put Him in a box, or get Him to fulfill my selfish wish-list, but I want to trust Him.. if we asked for bread, will He ever gives us stone.. He who provides for the birds of the air and the lilies on the field will He not give us His best?... How can we doubt on His provision? His will be done.. and am gonna spread my wings and fly, and fly and fly.. and to soar on Eagles' wings, to see the other side of the world. And continue to trust that He is with me forever...

Faith of a Little Child

20th January 2009

11.30pm, home. Browsing through few Pharmacy sites that offer CME courses. Realise that my Pharmacopherapy knowledge has seems to dip down a lot. Been in administration and management for a while, less touching on clinical side. Ya, guess it's time for me to brush up my knowledge, which wil definitely be useful in the near future.

Celina called a while ago, sharing on the company's bonus, less than last year. And I just got my RM200 CNY angpow from GMC today. Even though it's RM200 lesser than last year, at least something better than nothing. The global recession really hitting hard on every industries and healthcare is not exception. Not too sure if government hospital is affected, but definitely private can see a significant lower volume. Scary to think of it.. working real hard in 2008 for JCI and MSQH preparation but just because of economic downturn company using such excuses to cut increment, bonuses and no need to mention about performance incentives lar. Am still hoping though.. maybe I should go and ask tomorrow.. but whatever the result, gonna accept it and move on. Need to learn to be thankful, not only in good times, but also in bad times.

Read today's ODB,
James tells us that when we ask God for wisdom, the key to His response is whether or not we are asking “in faith” (1:6). God is pleased when we approach Him with unwavering faith. So leave your doubt at the door and follow the protocol: Approach God with a heart of faith, and He will be pleased to provide all the wisdom you need.

Yes, am kinda weary of what the future holds.. 2009 will definitely be a challenging year. A year filled with loads of CHANGES, and CHALLENGES and COMMITTMENTS. Am I ready for that? Am I just looking at the surface and hearing my own voice, or God's voice? I need the wisdom, more wisdom and dicerment to make decision,.. I don't wanna make decision of my own, I want to include Him in this decision, and trust Him.. ya, faith like a little child. Am not sure whether am gonna make it, but Daddy is holding my hands in this race that I run... And I am not running alone. Gonna have faith like a little child.

God, give me the faith of a little child! A faith that will look to Thee—That never will falter and never fail, But follow Thee trustingly. —Showerman